Twin Flames : Changing My Mind

These days I am trying to be open to change in MYSELF, instead of worrying so much about my twin flame and other people.  As the quote says, “be the change you want to see in the world” so I am TRYING.

Yesterday I had a marvelous “girl’s day” with my mom and my brother’s fiancee.  It was REALLY nice. We went to look at wedding dresses for her and then we had lunch at this adorable little tea place.  It was fun!  I would like to attract more experiences like that one; just being out and about and social, it’s fun.  Honestly I have been a real recluse over the last year and I am feeling the desire to be more social lately.  It’s healthy.

Seeing my bro’s fiancee in the wedding dresses made me a little sad because it made me think about my own wedding and how I don’t know if it will ever happen for me.  Yeah, maybe it’s “negative” to think that way, but I REALLY don’t know if it will ever happen for me.. This whole thing with my twin flame, it’s just so hard to really know what’s going on.  So I had a good cry once I got home…Watching this cartoon “Secret of the NIMH” triggered my cry.. It was this song that plays in the movie, I can never hear it and NOT cry, it’s so dang emotional and it’s about the love of a mother for her children.  Another thing that I don’t know if I ever will have a chance to be – a mother.. 😦

Not to feel sorry for myself, but I have to learn to let it all go.  It’s really hard to let these cultural things that have been programmed into us from birth.  Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED!!!!! I REALLY WANT TO BE A MOTHER!!!!! I just don’t know what God has planned for me..

So I cried and it felt good… Life is so hard… I don’t mean that in a whining way, it is just so hard because of the fact that we here in America are expected to not only build an entire career but also find the loves of our lives, get married and balance a family with that career.  It just leaves me in awe that so many people manage to do that – maybe  not the “love of their lives” part, but they manage to have families AND careers, and here I am, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  My soul has been yearning for so much more, and I am trying to voice these yearnings into something practical and possible for me.  What it is EXACTLY that my soul is yearning for, I don’t exactly know, but I do feel the spirit of adventure building inside of me again.  It had gone away for a little while and now it’s back.  I’m just going to keep writing and keep this spirit of adventure alive in myself, and stay positive and WHO KNOWS what could happen..  But I also am working on letting go of these programmed expectations and things that society has imprinted upon me – not being a wife and mother because those things are sacred, but the other things like having that house with the white picket fence and the perfect career.  I am supposed to be a “pioneer”, it is my lifepath.  It is my destiny to pave the way for others and to create new things that have never been done before, so I am going to do that!! I already have and I will continue!

*On a side note, out of the freakin BLUE, my twin flame tried to Facetime with me yesterday!!! We haven’t been in contact since he came and brought the key back.  I have REALLY been trying to CHANGE and give him space, clear my energy and just be CHILL.  I’ve been trying SOOOO hard to just leave him alone.  I was out with my mom and bro’s fiancee when the Facetime thing popped up on my phone and my whole body blushed LOL He has a powerful effect on me.  I didn’t answer though, I sent him a text that I was busy, because I was.  I have my own life too, and I want him to understand that.  We didn’t end up talking, but I just let it go, it’s ok.  I want to just let things go now, instead of getting so damn worked up all the time over my twin’s behavior!! I want to just chill and let him “do him” and be himself without fear of me doing my dumb freak-outs like in the past.

So I don’t know if that Facetime was an accident on his part, but I figure that even if it was was “an accident”, there are no real “accidents” and obviously I was on his mind.  He seemed to be wanting to ‘break through’ the ether or whatever, trying to reach out to me energetically.  So to reward him for his reaching out, I just wanted to let him know that I’m available when he’s ready to come around and that I am patient and happily living my life.

I love him so much, this stuff is just so complicated.. I really wanted to do what was right for both of us by letting him go and pushing him out of my life, but I realize once again that he is my twin flame and he is part of my life forever, regardless of what I try to do.

So pray for me that I will continue to be patient with my sweet twin soul love and that maybe one day we can have those things in life that I desire….Being a wife and a mother.  I want to accomplish so much more, too, but those two things are sacred to me.

 

God bless and much love,

❤ ❤ ❤

 

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