I’m still feeling wounded and vulnerable from yesterday. I told my twin flame I wanted to break up again and as always, I couldn’t sleep and spent the whole night fighting with him in my head, saying all the sh*t I want to say to him in person. I was SO angry. I feel like a broken record at this point. 😦 I had done so much work on myself, working to evolve and be strong and be better without him in my life, and I feel embarrassed having lost control again.
Every one is always saying to love yourself and to not take garbage from anyone and to not be a doormat for anyone. I’ve ended things with my ex’s easily and without question. I was able to let go of them and never look back, when I was ready to go. That is why I have STRUGGLED so immensely with my twin flame!! He disappears from my life for months, without a word and I’m expected to just take it?? NO!! So many times I’ve begged God to set me free and to release me from this love. I feel so enslaved sometimes, loving someone so much and so deeply who is a ghost right now.
I know he loves me, it’s irrelevant. I love him, it’s irrelevant. All I can think about for the last two days is how this just isn’t right. How can I continue to love someone who treats me this way? It isn’t fair. Even if it is the twin flame stuff, it still hurts so much.
I’ve been flirting a lot and posting stuff on Instagram to make myself feel better and guys on there have been really sweet. It’s harmless, like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always been faithful to my twin flame. I was angry and I’ve thought about cheating on him but I decided my integrity, chastity and purity are more important to me, and even if I did find out he has been cheating on me, I won’t revenge cheat because it’s just not worth giving up on all the work I’ve done on myself to get this far. Sleeping with someone else at this point will only mess up my energy and besides WHAT would it prove and what good would it do? If my twin flame wanted to be a scumbag and cheat on me, that only would prove that HE is the scumbag, so why should I lower myself to his level to get revenge. I would just remove him from my life and that would be that. THAT is where I draw the line. If I really love someone I am loyal, but if they cross the line and do something unforgivable, I gotta let them go.
Which brings me back to this complex paradoxical predicament that I’m in with my twin flame. I did a tarot reading on him and it was VERY interesting. Basically he is overworking himself, which I already know, at a job he doesn’t really like anymore. He is basically slaving himself away. And for what? For a bunch of paper money that isn’t worth anything. What he does with his life is HIS choice, but I’M the one who has to suffer when he’s not spending any time with me.
Now twin flame “experts” are quick to say “you gotta love him anyway, no matter what, even if he’s not giving you the love you want.” It’s so easy to say and much harder to do. I mean I LOVE him, I will always love him. But that doesn’t stop me from getting ANGRY at him, justifiably so. This whole separation thing is so annoying. I know I push him away.. Who would want to be around someone who is annoyed and angry at you, after slaving away all day at work? But HE HAS THE CHOICE to be slaving away and is choosing not to spend time with me. He is causing his own misery, which makes me angry at him, for causing his own misery which in turn makes me miserable – which is exactly what the tarot reading said. I laughed when I saw it, because that is SO my baby. He makes these stupid decisions and then sees the bad results and he totally knows it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but when it’s time to CHANGE his approach and change himself to make better decisions he just WON’T. It’s infuriating.
The tarot reading also said that he feels like an undependable asshole and knows he is avoiding things, but is doing so anyway. The tarot spread touched on a lot of stuff I already know, but what was interesting was that the ending result was that he would end up as a better man for going through all of this. It’s hard not to be cynical after all of this turmoil and bs that we’ve been through together, and it’s not ending any time soon. I know I should’ve just continued to leave him alone and I coulda woulda shoulda just let the facebook bs just slide, but I had a moment of insanity and I forgive myself for letting myself go EGO. It happens. It is what it is, and I’ll have to deal with the damn consequences. I’d much rather us just BE TOGETHER and argue and fight in person, instead of these stupid separations so that at least I’d feel like we could get somewhere and work through our issues instead of me facing his silence. I HATE his silence.
What’s done is done and I just have to keep living my life. I’ll be writing and getting things done, as usual. I’m still mad at him, mostly because I love him and miss him so much and I know I deserve better.
I added my twin flame’s mom on instagram and I complimented her on one of her pictures and she said “I love you baby, thank you,” and it made me cry. I’ve been through so much with my twin flame and all I wanted originally was to be with him and be a part of his family, but so much drama and bs happened that it just didn’t work and I’m still hurting from that. It’s hard because I want him to tell the world that I am his girlfriend and that we are together, but for some reason he can’t do that and it just breaks my heart and makes me want to forget him.
I just pray that we can come together and settle all of this once and for all. Life is so short and I want to have a relationship that MEANS something. I’m not trying to waste my time.
I still love him so much and I still miss him so much that it hurts. I just wish a miracle would happen and that we could just BE TOGETHER.
As much as I feel like I hate him sometimes, my heart is always open for him.
❤ ❤ ❤