When I would fight with my twin flame love, I felt such anger and even hatred towards him sometimes. It was my shadow, a part of me that I was ashamed of, but it appeared again and again, with the one person I claimed to love most in this world.
He is my other half, my one true love and yet I have hurled evil and hatred and anger at him. Now I understand the mirroring effect and how, as “conscious” as I thought I was, I was still a product of my upbringing, my programming, this Matrix-like existence that I thought I had escaped from. It was my deepest, darkest secret. One that my so-called conscious mind would not let itself wrap around.
Ego can nearly DESTROY a perfectly good relationship. Don’t get me wrong, an ego is important for a normally-functioning person. It is what drives us and what makes us the individuals that we are. Ego also makes us feel that we are separate from others and at all times and at all cost we must defend ourselves from danger and compete in order to win. I had not known until recently just how ego-egotistical and self righteous I could be in love relationships until my twin flame reflected it all back to me, in the most bald, naked, open, exposed fashion possible and he said things that my last ex, who is one of my soul mates and a real “lifer” friend had said before. Just how basically I be a REAL JERK sometimes in relationships. I totally was and it made me realize that we all need people in our lives to keep us grounded and in balance. Our soul mates help with this and our twin flame especially with their reflecting. Their reflecting can be brutal but it’s all for the greater good of the connection. I’m hoping I can reach a level where my twin flame and I trust each other completely without a shadow of a doubt and we are honest and open with each other. It sounds ideal, however my twin flame love has been very open with me, while I admit that I continue to struggle with trust from time to time. It is something I work on, just because of the society we live in. In a perfect world, I could say I trust my twin flame completely, 100% with no doubts, but it’s not easy to do. On some level I think I already do. He’s never said anything like “I’m yours, babe. Now and forever,” but maybe if he said that, it wouldn’t feel real or genuine. Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe he just shows it in ways I’m not seeing? I don’t know. It’s all too much to think about sometimes, and so often I just put my focus on other things. It’s enough to drive a person mad sometimes. All I want is for my love to be around me, where he belongs. I want him to be happy in whatever he does or chooses to do, I want him to live his life to the absolute fullest. It’s not a crime for me to want to experience his life and happiness with him, though! I want him around.. I miss him so much. I just want to hold him and hug him and kiss him and smell his smell. Taste his lips. The twin flame really becomes a part of you, in ways that your body just feels complete when they are next to you. When your twin flame holds you, it’s like your heart remembers what love feels like and your heart beat can beat its normal beat again and when your bodies touch they just kind of meld together and blend into one body. It feels like they should be inside of you or you should be tucked away inside of them. It’s weird and amazing and magical. The sex is fulfilling and satisfying and emotional and romantic and raw and animalistic and just… *sigh*I miss my love.
So when my ego is telling me that I should just forget my twin flame and go find someone good-looking or cool or interesting to date and we could finally be like one of those “normal” couples and start doing things like “normal couples” are “supposed to,” I almost kind of want to.
But then the memories of those special moments I spent with my love start to flood my brain and even though we hurt each other sometimes and can be really mean sometimes to each other (mostly me), I still miss all the great stuff that my twin flame and I have. From our long talks and discussions and debates about EVERYTHING, to our little couple’s fights and lover’s quarrels, to our acid-spewing anger fights, to our little sweet kisses, to our makeout sessions and lovemaking and all that great stuff that makes love so wonderful. How could I replicate that with some random person? There will always be my soul mates who I share my life with, but I want to grow old with my twin flame and when we die, our souls will go meet up with each other in another life, and we’ll spend another lifetime arguing about the dirty dishes and giving each other sweet little kisses.
I’m learning about my shadow side and how much damage I have done to my poor twin flame love, but I know we forgive each other for what we’ve done, and when there’s healing to occur, we will be around each other. Even being apart, we are having the opportunity to heal. I pray for my love every night and I want to be with him, so I pray for ways for me to be better, so my love and I can be together. I will do anything to be with him and if that means I have to be in a better spiritual place, I will continue to work on that. I have to. I want to be with my love. I’m ready to be with my love.
I understand I’m going to have off days and moments where my twin flame love will piss me off. It is just in our destiny to annoy the hell out of each other sometimes and need some space from each other. Twin flame unions are far from perfect just like any relationship. I no longer want to come from ego when we have disagreements and conflicts, though. That is the main reason I have been gaining more insight lately so I can work through things with my twin flame so I don’t get so riled up and angry and resentful and hurtful/hateful towards him. I know he does too because it’s a reflection of my emotions too. It makes it clear that we love each other though. I know he loves me because he really takes what I say to heart and he really tries to protect himself from being hurt, just like I do.
It’s rough when you have two people who are on the defensive but love each other dearly. It’s such a back and forth, push and pull. We have so much pure, innocent love between us, but then my twin flame will do something that rubs my ego the wrong way and UGHHHHH IT JUST MAKES ME EXPLODE and I react. I don’t like it!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me feel so HUMAN and I think as people we so easily forget that we’re HUMAN. My love knows that I love him SOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOO much. He knows how deep my love for him is, and how loyal and faithful I’ve been to him. I think it scares him just how loyal and faithful I am towards him because WHO DOES THAT these days? Who stays faithful to their mate when their mate is gone for months. It’s pretty rare these days and so when you find someone that you know loves you so intensely, it must be terrifying for him, especially if he’s had the opposite experiences. I know I get scared sometimes. I know he loves me too. I can’t say that I am 100% confident that we’re going to be together forever because who really can say that? I can hope and I just go by a feeling in my heart that my twin flame and I are meant to be and it feels more than “right” when we are together, it feels like we’ve always been together and that even though we met not long ago, we’ve always been together, we’ve always been in love and we just forgot about each other a long time ago and had amnesia and now we remember.
I vow to control my anger with my love and to choose my battles. I know we had to release a lot of emotion junk by being together and having our fights, but I know we love each other and want to be together. We have work to do, I just hope we will be together physically soon.
I miss my sweet love 🙂